Log in

No account? Create an account
LiveJournal for Miles F.

View:User Info.
View:Website (Oreogasm (group site)).
You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.

Thursday, June 10th, 2010

Time:9:40 pm.
I walked past all the places me and Gavin went when we vacationed down here.
Winter Comes

Thursday, May 20th, 2010

Subject:Never would have guessed
Time:3:48 pm.
By request from my mother, I went to see the priest today. The topic of discussion was to be homosexuality. As much stir as this caused my friends who see me as a gay male, I had no issues agreeing to go. First, I'd like to applaud the priest for acceptance. Not only did he state that he was acceptant, he also mentioned a Christian group of homosexuals called Courage. It was kinda eerie how he mentioned things that hit home for me. In putting words to this, its impossible to partray the feeling I had. He was articulate, kind, and accepting. The Catholic faith could use more like him.
Winter Comes

Tuesday, May 18th, 2010

Subject:Depression? HA! I win.
Time:1:05 am.
I must note my triumph! This depression thing won't handle me if I handle it. I was doing a simple task of putting apple butter on a slice of wheat bread when my throat start locking up and it was hard to breath. Previously this would concern me and I'd start crying and likely end up in the fetal position, but none of this happened today. I remained calm. At length, by breathing went back to normal and I was able to come type this update without a single tear. ^.^
Winter Comes

Thursday, August 28th, 2008

Subject:I don't care who knows.
Time:2:25 pm.
Mood: sad.
I want to marry Gavin. Ryan has been dating Gavin. So, that hurt. Gavin felt sorry for me and broke up with Ryan, which I admit made me feel better, but it hurt Ryan badly. I felt bad for hurting Ryan and Gavin did too. Also, Gavin actually likes Ryan too. I'm willing to wait for Gavin, but Gavin doesn't exactly want me to wait for him. He wants me to be strong and get over him so that he can more easily get over me. I'm sorry, I can't get over him, but I think I can come to terms with everything if Ryan would just be understanding. I have no friends or anybody to watch out for me around here. I hate to sound like a baby, but I rely on people a lot and for years Gavin was the only person I needed. I didn't have friends or anything to back me up. Not that I didn't have friends at all, just I lost contact with them all, I moved away from them, I gave up everything for Gavin. All Gavin's friends think I'm a horrible person. I think Ryan thinks I'm a pretty bad person too. Its hard to think good about yourself when all the people around you tell you how bad you are. I would have a fight with Gavin almost nightly. I'd hear how horrible I was. I needed a break from all the ridicule in order to get my life together. In the process, I pushed Gavin out of my life and now he's moved on and I feel lost all over again. If Gavin and Ryan work out, of course I'd be happy for them. Love is what's important and if they have it, maybe me and Gavin just weren't meant to be, but somehow I feel like we were meant to be. Just the same, if Gavin and Ryan don't work out, it'd mean they weren't meant to be, and I wouldn't be at fault for them breaking up this time and I hope that me and Gavin would be able to get back together maybe get married.

All that is how I feel, but I feel like that even isn't good enough.

I don't think Gavin wants me anymore anyway. I think he's fooling himself into thinking he still cares for me in anyway more than friendship. He keeps telling me how he wants something different. Someone different than me.

Gavin still wants me to see a counselor and go to school and get a car, which two of out three of those I wanted to do for him. My family think I'm depressed, Gavin thinks I'm depressed, so all in all, the people that know me best just may be right, but I tried to kill myself before and failed and I know I'll never succeed and I just don't know if its worth the money. Finally, I decided it was. Basically breaking up with Gavin threw me over the top and I reached lows never before seen, so it may be healthy for me to seek attention. The car was so that me and Gavin can actually get out and do things together. We've been talking about doing things since I moved up here and seldom have we actually done anything and half the time I ruin whatever it is anyway. So, I figured if we can just go whenever we wanted, we'd be happier. I don't think I want a car if I don't get Gavin to go along with it. I have no place to go anyway. As for college, I already paid for all these classes I'm taking and all the books for those classes. Going to college was a personal goal of mine. I'll keep at that, even without Gavin. Actually, I'm more tempted to drop out of college if I stay with Gavin. I know Gavin wants me to do some things I want to do, so I'd stay anyway. I think it kinda puts a wedge between us though because our goals are in different places.

Gavin Gavin Gavin Gavin Gavin is all I think about all day long.

I go to work, on Gavin's bike. If I feel a breeze, I wouldn't if I had Gavin's coat. I look like shit, but if Gavin had dressed me, I'd be at least decent. I feel depressed, Gavin would have something else for me to worry about instead of my own self-pity. Gavin keeps my mind off of me and now he just thinks of Ryan. Which, don't get me wrong, is perfectly acceptable. His life, his choice of who to be with. I have no confusion on the subject (thank goodness) because he let me know everything that was going on. I HATE how quickly he and Ryan got together, but love works quick. So, maybe they are soul mates. Maybe they have what it takes. I definitely shouldn't stand in the way of something like that.

Gavin said, "Since we're not together, you don't have to worry about what I think." and while I nodded, I completely disagree. I'm so accustomed to worrying about what he thinks, I can't help it. If I do one of the things I know he hates so much, its because I'm unhappy with him, and well, I can't be unhappy with him if he's just trying to pursue his own happiness.

I'm worried about our plans for vacation scheduled two weeks from now. It was supposed to be his birthday present. Recently I decided I would propose while we were gone, but proposing to him while he's with Ryan would be completely inappropriate and besides, he probably won't even want to come with me anyway. If I were Ryan, I would be very comfortable with the idea. Especially if I read this, come on, who would send their boyfriend away with somebody that wants to marry him.

Kirsten has been getting on my nerves because she never answers when I call her. Sometimes I'm irrational, yes, but sometimes I'm not and she doesn't take the chance to talk to me. I don't think she likes me either.

I've done some horrible things, and I never really earned Gavin's love, but I've had it so long, I don't operate right without it.

As for Robin, that chapter of my life has long since turned the last page. I've long since lost the most incredible female in the world and now I've lost the most incredible male too.

I guess I should just claim asexuality. Can't be bi if I like neither. Once I told Gavin, I'm Gavinsexual, and you know, I don't think it could ever be more true. I don't like girls, but I don't like boys either. I fell in love with Robin. I fell in love with Gavin. Therefor I wanted to much to say I was bi, as a sort of validation of both relationships. Gavin hated me for my stance on that issue. It really hurt my feelings too, because he couldn't even try to understand. He swore I'd leave him for a girl if I were a real Bisexual person. I wouldn't leave him for Adonis or Aphrodite alike. I'm just not that type of person, but I turned Gavin into that type of person. I'm sorry to you Gavin and to you Ryan.

I just hope I'm not hated.

I'm sorry for being overwordy.

I just want Love and Peace.
1 Seasons Turned lips Winter Comes

Thursday, August 21st, 2008

Subject:My Goodness
Time:10:44 am.
I used to be a human grammar check and now I'm floundering in grammar class. I almost feel appalled at my own abilities. I had no clue what a Parallel Sentence was >.> I just picked the one that sounded best to me and got 60% ><. No wonder they're making me take this class, I didn't know all I thought I did I guess. As for Math, my math teacher is SLooooooooooW. I mean this woman looks to be in her 60s or 70s. She forgot course material she needed to teach class with and decided to wing it. I said if you already know the complementary angle you can just add 90 to that to get the supplementary angle and that flew over her head. I was prepared to write her a proof for that one. I hate proofs. I would have done one just for her to look at it and be like, Oh, yeah, that's right. But after I explained 3 times she figured it out. Or at least she said she did. That class is going to be a circus. Dumb teacher + smart student = theatrics. As for my Writing class, I like my teacher. I was on the waiting list for her class and she told me today, "I'm not supposed to be accepting anybody into this class, but I accept you Miles." OMG! That made me feel awesome. She had too many students before considering the waiting list people, so umm, I hope there's a desk for me in the classroom. Her classroom is SUPER small. The first day, we moved to a larger classroom and we filled that. I know there's not enough seats in her actual room. the computer lab has enough seats though. I was finally able to access my online class too, so that's less stress. Oh, I was already talking about that class a sec ago, I had to take 4 tests already, and each test was divided into sections. I got 40%s on some things >.>. It really knows how to put a person in their place.

I'm a student assistant for a remedial math course. Its actually 5 classes at the same time. Everybody works at their own pace. I help people as needed, in addition to that, I file papers, keep track of records, administer tests, help the teacher in whatever other ways she sees fit, like hand out papers and such. I can do my homework if I have time. I'm lucky I got the computer lab class. They get some tests on the computer so I only have to give them tests every so often, the other class has tests almost every day because its all done by hand.
Winter Comes

Wednesday, August 20th, 2008

Subject:OMG, I know where Masochism comes from.
Time:6:11 am.
Venis in Furs

So, the song I like is based on a book and it featured a dominatrix and so the word masochism comes from the guy's last name. Leopold von Sacher-Masoch wrote it. There were a couple other interesting tidbits in there.
Winter Comes

Tuesday, August 19th, 2008

Subject:Lalalala I'm alone.
Time:5:45 am.
Mood: depressed.
Depressing emo break up rambleCollapse )

Well, at least I'm thinking straight. Still can't make any decisions. Well, you can bet your bottom dollar that I'll keep on keeping on, even if I do fall into a pit. I may feel like wasting away, but I won't. As bad as I ever could feel, I keep going. Death is almost a joke. Anyway, enough of this depressing emo stuff. I have class to go to, and hopefully somebody will punch me or something. That'd make me feel better. I nice friendly punch on the shoulder to give me a little shake.

Wish me luck at school.
Winter Comes

Thursday, July 24th, 2008

Time:12:32 am.
Venus In Furs = Velvet Underground ---------- Good
Androgynous - The Replacements ========= Sucks, listen to the Dresden Dolls cover, its awesome
Find Your Way (Back in my Life) - Kem ------ Good song
Rain - The Seatbelts -------- I don't know why I listened to it today, almost cried, good btw
Raindrops keep Falling on my Head - Al Johnson? -------- classic
Swanee - Al Johnson? ------ classic, I don't know how Al johnson is, but I"m sure he sand a song I heard today

Gravity - Dresden Dolls -------- Good, as is most of their music, very moody, kinda like me right now

My Generation - The Who -------- It was on YouTube and live and sucked >.> I like other songs
Two Headed Boy - Neutral Milk Hotel -------- Good! I was surprised after how much The Replacements sucked

I Just Called To Say (I Love You) - Stevie Wonder -------- Oh yeah, it was good
Unbreak My Heart - Toni Braxton -------- Also good!
A House is not a home - Luther Vandross ------- Luther can sing! and Good
Barracuda - Rasputina ---------- Yeah it was good, but I wanted to see Heart on Youtube
No Tengo Amigos - Genitallica ------- The video was a bunch of kids >.> but the song is good
I Will Always Love You - Whitney Houston ------ I'm scared to hear the original by Dolly Parton, but Whitney sure sings it well.

Ode to Billy Joe - Bobbie Gentry --------- She's singing you a story, no bridge, no chorus. its ok

A Horse With No Name - America -------- It felt good to get out of the rain <.< ^.^
Have You Ever Seen The Rain - Creedence Clearwater Revival -------- Good good
Bad Moon Rising - CCR again ---------- They just sound too happy that werewolves are about to attack >.>
I Put A Spell On You - CCR! ----------- Ok, I was prejudice and thought "They messed up Bad Moon Rising, they'll sing this too happy too," but I was wrong and it was good.
In The Aeroplane Over the Sea - Neutral Milk Hotel -------- I think I like this band now

There were a few other songs I listened to tonight. I like music.

I like old music >.>

As for life. I'm very confused on what I want to do. I wish I could call Robin and talk to her.

Sometimes I just wish I could die.

I know you can't make everyone heppy, but can I at least make a few choice people happy?

Is that too much to ask? Just let me make 3 people happy. and maybe 1 stanger a day >.>

heh, a stranger a day is the easy pert, seem like the people that love you the most are the hardest to please.

I'm soooo confused. But I'm the closest to being in college than I've even been before.

If moving here accomplished nothing else, it got me this, and now I don't know if I even want to go through that experience HERE.

I want to flee from Gavin. I want to be free of his tyranny while I have an opportunity, but........ I care about him.

I don't know if me and Robin would EVER work out, even if we tried, but I still want so much for her to be at least a part of my life. Robin and Gavin will never get along with each other. They won't.

I kinda want to move to where Hannah lives now. For the simple fact that I won't be completely alone, I'd know Hannah, and she WON'T have an opinion on my life, other than those she's already expressed and I've filed them away. (Yeah, she thinks I should spend my life single, which I agree sometimes.)

"But Miles, she never said such a thing."

Well, to meet her requirements is impossible, so its the equivalent of beings single.

Nobody will be able to tolerate me, I don't think, then the few that do, must have an issue or two of their own.

"Why do all your LJ posts end up with you talking to yourself?"

Because it helps me rationalize some things and explain how I feel about some things and display some of the conflict within myself. Besides, they say talking to yourself is a sign of intelligence.

"I know some really intelligent Alzheimer's patients you should meet."

Did you know I predict that when I get old I'll be senile?

"Are you to say that you aren't senile yet?"

Right now I can tell the difference between me talking to myself and somebody else talking to me. But I can sense my senses wearing out already. I sometimes reload memories and relive them. When I become aware of my environment once more, I'm usually embarrassed.

"So, you say, you're going crazy already, you just think you won't have it under control anymore when you're older."

I don't think I'd care to control it anymore when I'm older. >.> Really, What would I care if I relive the happiest moments of my life over and over and remain oblivious to what's going on around me, if I don't have any of my loved ones around me anymore. Only problem is, I think I might go crazy while I do have a loved one around. My grandfather already calls the names of his wife/children when they aren't home. I can imagine doing the same, except I might be living with somebody and I don't think it'd be their name that I'd call.

"So, why don't you message Robin on Myspace?"

Gavin knows my MySpace password, he gets suspicious/jealous easy. I don't even know where we stand so much. I slept by his apartment last night. I was kinda gloomy the whole time ><. In fact, I have a headache now. I still don't feel free.

"Go ahead and do what you want!"

I don't want to hurt Gavin.

"what do you want to do with life?"

End it.

"Do it."

I can't.

"Why not?"

I don't know if I want to end it >.>

"Why not?"

I'm not sure of anything. My emotions are so conflicted. I've finally succeed at something, and I feel like I failed more than ever. I want to sleep now.

"Well goodnight."

Winter Comes

Tuesday, March 4th, 2008

Subject:Life is shit sometimes
Time:2:23 am.
Mood: crappy.
Ok, so this guy I had an uber crush on wayyy back when seems to like my boyfriend, Gavin. Gavin seems to like him too. Ok, wonderful, I think. Trevor is an awesome guy, if not for me, maybe for Gavin. Gavin and I have trouble all the time. We're always fighting and maybe Trevor can assure Gavin that things are well better than I did. So, I'm TRYING MY BEST to be supportive. Turns out, Gavin didn't want me to be supportive, I think. Gavin wanted me to decide for him whether he stayed with me or went off with Trevor. I don't want to decide what can make him happy. He's all torn up over the situation. He can't decide between us and somehow today he claimed we're fighting over him. I'm sure Trevor is being nice to him, and maybe even affectionate, and I'm definitely not trying to be mean to him, but fighting over him, I think not. Its his decision who he wants. So, for a second I thought Gavin actually wanted to stay with me, so I was looking forward to making love to him all day. He comes home, talks to Trevor, gets bitchy with me and to top it off, Trevor ignores me. This man I have nothing but respect for all my life now thinks I'm the scum of the earth because I found Gavin first. Well, he had his chance to meet Gavin sooner. I wanted to do a road trip with him to meet Gavin for the first time, but it never happened. Don't get mad at me.

So, I'm a little aggitated, then midnight rolls around and I just figure, I should at least get sleep for work in the morning and head to bed. Gavin shows up in bed at 2 am. He wakes me up in the process and then we make love. So, well, I'm thinking, "ok, maybe he does want to stay with me." but afterward he brings up the same issue he has had with me ever since I moved up here. I don't want to get engaged to him. And I felt like I did a very good job explaining why last time he asked and I thought he was going to respect how I felt but I guess that was wrong. And then I made the horrid mistake of mentioning how Trevor ignored me tonight, so I got bitched at because it seems Robin ignored some message from him. I couldn't find my underwear, and I couldn't fall asleep.

Now I'm sitting here awake, fuming away. I wish he'd just choose already. Hell, I'd almost be happier if he chose Trevor. Gavin's a wonderful guy, Trevor's a wonderful guy, let them go be wonderful together and let me have some peace. I almost believe it'd happen that way, but I just know he's going to make it ugly somehow. I'll give him and hug goodbye and he'll same something cruel like "You're free to go back to that skank Robin now." Enough to make me cry. He's a cruel hearted bitch sometimes, but I'm not trying to push him off on anybody, and I'm definitely not trying to anchor him down. I wish he understood the freedom I allow him. If I were a more jealous man, his and Trevor's love affair would have been nipped in the bud. Our lives would be the most sheltered in the States and all we would have would be each other. But I don't do that. I don't restrict him. He says I've changed him, but I haven't tried. I'm sorry I complained about some things, but if that's who he was, I think he should never have stopped doing them, despite my complaints.

I honestly feel like I've been through Hell and High Water with this man and I don't want to budge another inch. I'm tired, leave me be. If there's another man out there that's prepared to give you everything you want in life, like I once set out to do, more power to him, but for now, I need some rest.

I'm sure I'm going to get shit for typing this. I'm sorry, I really am, but I can't talk to him. Especially while he's asleep. >.> We end up fighting. I'm so sleepy, but I can't sleep. My sides ache. My heart is in a wrench. I'm trying to give Gavin the opportunity to either trust me or leave him and he seems to not want to make up his mind. Even worse, he seems to make up his mind, then go back and change it. I hope whatever happens, I can transfer his magazines to be shipped to where he goes. I know I don't want Dog Fancy or Cosmopolitian. Ok, ok, rant over, I'ma try again at sleep, if failed, I'll play my game or take a shower, whichever seems more appealing then, because neither seems fun right now. Though it is Japanese prime time soon >.>

*sigh* I think I'm just not good at relationships. Its exactly as Hannah said. I'm a cool guy, but not to date. My feet and legs always start hurting when I sit on the floor to get at my computer ><

I want to call Robin so bad. She'd at least say I don't disappoint her. If that's all she'd say, that'd at least be enough to get me through another day. I don't think I can live without support. With all the suicidal thoughts that have entered my brain. With all the stress I wish I could just ignore. With all the shit I walk through every day. At least she says that I'm doing ok. Ask me, and I wouldn't really know. Sometimes people ask me at work, just being polite, and I get flabbergasted. I stutter, which, in my opinion, isn't very like me at all. One of my favorite responses is, "Life is...life." People seem to understand, even if they're happy where they are in life, they understand that I'm struggling.

Let me go before I end up wallowing in too much self-pity here. Heh, I'm the only one that really pities me, and maybe I don't deserve pity. Maybe..........

I don't know..........

I don't know anything........

I have no control over anything ><

I have nothing

Oh, wouldn't Gavin bitch to read that, but fact is, I don't have him. Oh and even further upset would he be, because he'll claim to have given himself to me and I was the one who did this, or that, and made him not able to trust me and so on and so forth and I'm tired of hearing it. I expressed how I felt.

I can win the lottery and if I feel like shit, I might feel like I have nothing. What you feel isn't always what's there, for whatever reason. Depression, blindsidedness, ignorance, pigheadedness, utmost denial. they all can make life's valuables seem out of place.

Am I depressed?

I don't even know.

I know I can't kill myself, or I did know I couldn't, til I almost did kill myself. Within an inch of my life, I brought myself back to life and for an hour or so, felt invigorated. Life was then my decision. I chose to be alive. I had power. The feeling, however, eventually faded and now I feel no better than before. Sometimes I wish I could just die, temporarily.

Just long enough to relax and rest up before I have to tackle living again. Almost as if sleep isn't enough. A couple days off work isn't enough.

I'd like to make it known, I don't hate our dog, I hate dog hair all over my clothes and skin wherever I turn. And I don't hate the bunny rabbit either, I'm just not good at taking care of animals and when I do a bad job, I don't want to do it anymore.

Really, I'm going now. Don't forget that I breathe too.

*Edit* This post was listed as Private because it upset Gavin, but now that he's moved out, I feel like I can express whatever I want. And here it is.
Winter Comes

Sunday, January 6th, 2008

Time:7:35 pm.
I Am A: True Neutral Human Wizard (3rd Level)

Ability Scores:







True Neutral A true neutral character does what seems to be a good idea. He doesn't feel strongly one way or the other when it comes to good vs. evil or law vs. chaos. Most true neutral characters exhibit a lack of conviction or bias rather than a commitment to neutrality. Such a character thinks of good as better than evil after all, he would rather have good neighbors and rulers than evil ones. Still, he's not personally committed to upholding good in any abstract or universal way. Some true neutral characters, on the other hand, commit themselves philosophically to neutrality. They see good, evil, law, and chaos as prejudices and dangerous extremes. They advocate the middle way of neutrality as the best, most balanced road in the long run. True neutral is the best alignment you can be because it means you act naturally, without prejudice or compulsion. However, true neutral can be a dangerous alignment because it represents apathy, indifference, and a lack of conviction.

Humans are the most adaptable of the common races. Short generations and a penchant for migration and conquest have made them physically diverse as well. Humans are often unorthodox in their dress, sporting unusual hairstyles, fanciful clothes, tattoos, and the like.

Wizards are arcane spellcasters who depend on intensive study to create their magic. To wizards, magic is not a talent but a difficult, rewarding art. When they are prepared for battle, wizards can use their spells to devastating effect. When caught by surprise, they are vulnerable. The wizard's strength is her spells, everything else is secondary. She learns new spells as she experiments and grows in experience, and she can also learn them from other wizards. In addition, over time a wizard learns to manipulate her spells so they go farther, work better, or are improved in some other way. A wizard can call a familiar- a small, magical, animal companion that serves her. With a high Intelligence, wizards are capable of casting very high levels of spells.

Find out What Kind of Dungeons and Dragons Character Would You Be?, courtesy of Easydamus (e-mail)

Winter Comes

Saturday, December 8th, 2007

Subject:Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium
Time:5:08 pm.
I loved it!

Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium steals my heart. Next stop, maybe Alvin and the Chipmunks. Idk. I want internets at home!!!!!!!

Oh, if you want drama ~

I almost broke up with Gavin.

Gavin broke up with me.

Tonight we discuss negotiations of maybe getting back together.

Idk, see how it goes.

Anyway, back to the movie.

It made me cry. It was fun too. The trailer kinda sucks. Well, I'm at work and must depart. Ciao~
1 Seasons Turned lips Winter Comes

Sunday, November 25th, 2007

Time:6:06 pm.
Ok, so last night, I just plopped asleep. Got out the bath, laid down for a sec, and was out like a light. When I woke up this morning, Gavin told me that he had asked me "Who do you love?" And that I responded, "Both of you." Come on, who asks that when somebody's asleep? I don't have an explanation... I hardly have an understanding of what may have been going on in my head at that time. Heh, assuming I even understood his question, I guess I could have meant Roxi. I don't know. *shrugs*

I'm bored.... Ja ne.
2 Seasons Turned lips Winter Comes

Saturday, November 24th, 2007

Time:5:45 pm.
Ok, so Gavin bought me Wings of the Goddess. He wants to buy me my Bastok keychain too. (REPRESENT!)

The ring I wanted is the newb ring, it looks great!

All these are for sale at: The Square Enix Store! Yay!

They're about sold out of rings though. >< At least I'll get a keychain.

I can hardly wait!

He was mad because I didn't say thank you right away though. (I haven't even gotten it yet >.>) And he told me about all the trouble he went through to get it. (Which was a bit, I do admit. He ended up buying it online after all the trouble anyway, because all the places he went to track it down didn't have any in stock. It reminds me of when my crazy friends drove to Hattiesburg to get a video game the day it was released.)

I've been doing Logic Puzzles, fun fun! I used to love these things. I've been looking for them all over the place and I finally found them last night in a gas station. Yeeeeaaaaahhhhhhh!

I'm going to be a Scholar when I get back in game!!!! I'm going to be a Scholar in real life too! This is going to be fun!

I'm at least not as depressed anymore.
Winter Comes

Friday, November 23rd, 2007

Subject:I'm Going To College!
Time:5:00 pm.
I talked to some people and we're going to make it happen. But I'm thinking I might want to wait til I get the internet to go to college anyway, so that I can take online classes and keep my job. My computer is fixed, I just need some net. $40/month. *takes a deep breath* One day. And then I'll be able to play FFXI too. I want a Bastok ring! I want a Bastok keychain too! I want to represent the Republic of Bastok in the REAL WORLD! OMG! I'm a nerd. I love it. Ok, well. I'm at work, so, JA NE!
Winter Comes

Sunday, November 18th, 2007

Subject:Fun stuff
Time:5:02 pm.
WheeeCollapse )
Winter Comes

Monday, November 5th, 2007

Subject:On the Way, back in game
Time:6:02 pm.
Ok, so tommorrow I'm going to take my computer to get fixed. Hopefully its something super cheap. I can't afford the internet now. >,< I might not be in game until January if my boyfriend doesn't get a job. It sucks to be on a budget. *dances around* but the debt faerie is dying. Its like I casted Dia and now I'm just waiting while trying not to let it catch up to me. Fun fun, kiting, in real life.

Well, that's all for my nerd talk today.

If you wanna donate $40 a month to the "Get Sama back in game" fund, Just leave me a comment and I'll direct you where to send the funds.
Winter Comes

Saturday, November 3rd, 2007

Subject:Hey Hey Hey
Time:5:17 pm.
"Last updated 20 weeks ago"

Ok, so, I might not have updated my LJ in a while. But Its now 1721 and I'll be here until 1930 at least, and I've got nothing to do.

It seems mere moments ago I was busy as a flurry.

I can't wait to get back into FFXI. Just sit back, relax, and watch stuff die due to the power of my might. Ok, I'm a White Mage, so its really due to the power of everybody else's might, but I keep them alive. Without me, they're just a group of live bait. Off the record, sometimes I'm the most useless member of the party. Ninjas hardly ever get hit. It might take them a little longer to kill, but so long as the enemy takes damage and they don't, not much can result but victory. Paladins are awesome but they have a limit to how much beating they can take. They don't even try to get out of the way. They get hit and heal themselves. The lamest death ever is poison. I swear, it hits everybody just as hard, except Black Mage with a sub job White Mage who can Manafont a Poisona out of his ass. Red Mage could Fastcast all he wants, but if he's almost dead and he has no MP, he's SOL. Bards could Paeon to hell and back and pray. It might actually work too. If the poison is weak enough and the Paeon is strong enough. They might even have Regen effect during it. I think I might try Dancer when I get back in the game. Looks like a retarded job, but I'll give anything a shot. I gave Warrior a shot. Lvl 16 WAR, haven't lvled it in 2 years. Thank goodness for NIN being a good sub job, or else I wouldn't be able to lvl any melee past 38ish. My White Mage has capped Club abilities. People think I'm stupid for doing it, especially so early in the game. Here's how I look at it. I'm a White Mage that stands a chance in a scuffle. Hell, if Paralyze sticks, I've got the hand up. Hexa Strike = pain. Holy = Ninja death. It takes 2 or 3 casts to kill a NIN though, so defense better be in the strategy plan.

I plan to kill Maat with a White Mage! Yeah, take that you fuckers. I wanna cap all my magics before I attempt it though. No support job for the fight, so I don't even have to worry about Elemental Magic. Just Enfeebling, enhancing, and divine. You'll see me casting Banish IV and chasing it with a Hexa Strike because he hit me three times while I was trying to cast but my Aquaveil let me cast anyway. That's IF he got through my Stoneskin and Blink. WHMs can fight like NINs sometimes. Blink Warriors. Shadow Boxing.

I don't think Monk would benefit very much from support job Ninja. Unless that is, Hand to hand is considered dual weilding, lol. But if they did that, people would want Great Sword to be "dual weild"ed weapon also.

Well, take care guys, opinion time is over.
2 Seasons Turned lips Winter Comes

Friday, June 15th, 2007

Subject:Can't sleep
Time:4:40 am.
I've not been able to sleep at night lately.

Which is a problem.

I won't say anymore about it right now though.
Winter Comes

Subject:Metaphor: Religion is fast food
Time:1:37 am.
I don't know how well anybody understands my thoughts about religion. Furthermore, I'll tell why I decided to bank with the Catholic religion in the face of much ridicule and why your religion does NOT offend me.

To me, religion is essentially founded upon one word. Hope.

Religion is a cure for existentialism. Why do we live? "Well, simply this and that, and while you're living you should accomplish some of these and those, and to avoid confusion don't do any of thats and thiss." Every religion believes in something. Not necessarily deities or spiritual powers, but at least in one's self. Every religion puts some sort of power within the individual. Be you of a Christian religion where everyone is called forth to make disciples, or the Wiccan religion which focuses one's self upon the quest of knowledge from the earth. YOU are a vital part of the religion and so, no matter what religion you belong to, once you're in, YOU belong. Some religions throw disfavor upon those not of that religion such as Wiccan and Judism. If you're not born Jewish, don't bother trying. Now, to help you understand MY view of these powerful systems of belief (because belief is powerful), I put forth this metaphor. Religion is fast food.

We'll start with my religion. Catholocism is large and has been around longer than any other Christian religion. It has taken a strong grasp of the world. I'll hereinafter refer to the Catholic church as McDonald's. Fast food existed before McDonalds but it really launched and took over. Made mistakes, but still has an overwhelming number of followers. However there are still those who disagree with McDonalds.

We're ditching the historical timeline for sake of aurguement. Some think things are better done differently and what better way to do things differently then to start your own chain (religion). Protestants include all your burger places, Wendy's, Sonic, Burker King, Backyard Burger, and, however not limited to, Rallys (Checkers). Every place is different from the rest. How they cook, what they offer, and how they present it. However, its all essentially the same. You're going, you're getting your burger and fries with a drink. So, these very different entities serve very much the SAME PURPOSE. They are similar enough to accomplish the same goals, however different enough for some people to go to one place exclusively over the others.

That just covers those that are obviously similar. Their burgers (god) take the same form. Three parts, Bottom bun, patty, top bun (God[the father], Jesus, and the Holy Spirit). They're obviously the same. Now how about Wiccans, hereinafter referred to as Smoothie King. I don't know much about the pagan umbrella, so I'll just take Smoothie King to represent herself and her sisters.

Smoothie King is all about nature. 100% natural ingredients for a 100% natural life. From earth to earth. Life cycles. Burgers will destroy us. We must celebrate what's natural. But the idea is not different. You're still fueling your life. Religions fuel life. You still have your not so much good elements, (as we all know, nature has produced many elements that can harm us and some of them make us feel unique during the process). Those energy drinks are designed to get us through the day, not our entire lifetime.

And still others exist yet that don't even follow the same guidelines.

Subway. They still preach of the earth, however carbohydrates and protein are what they strive off of unlike the foolish Smoothie King and their fiber and protein and supplements.

Steakhouses. Not everyone can come here. Rich in protein, and quite uninviting to those who don't like protein.

And the list goes on.

Some base themselves in simplicity. "Stupidity should hurt." is a founding moral of a religion. And so they've given themselves something to do in life. Have common sense and respect. That's the entire religion. Nothing can be wrong with something so simple but a lot of people want and need something more.

Every fast food chain (still talking religions, excuse my break in the metaphor a moment ago), has thier oddballs. The ones who go to McDonalds but eat salads. The ones that go to every fast food place on the street. The ones that'll take their McDonalds with them to Burger King and tell the people at Burger King how they're making their fries wrong. Some just go to McDonalds BECAUSE it was first. The people who did it first MUST have done it right and all the people who abandoned ship when we made a mistake was just foolish. (This is an actual belief by many Catholics. Since Catholism was first, it is by default correct, and the rest are chickens that couldn't stick through the rough times) There's those who go to Burger King because their mother took them to Burger King as a child and so Burger King is the natural choice. There are those that go to Smoothie King because they don't aggree with burgers and they find nothing the can disaggree with at Smoothie King. Some choose Subway for the peace so they don't have to face burgers and fries or quite have to call themselves a child of the earth with smoothies. Some go to Mom and Pop's shop because they were born at Mom and Pop's shop and that's all they ever knew. Its all the same.

And here is where they ALL bear as much standing as the next. Their guesses. This is why I eat at McDonalds. They stand for what they stood for in the beginning. They were first. Their guess never changed and never will. They dress it up differently, they make mistakes, but their guess is what I buy into. Their brand of hope is what I want to place my bet on.

Because with these religions, its a game a roulette. We don't know where the ball will land, but we only got one chip to put on the table. Doesn't really matter where you put it. But you gotta know where you put it for when that ball falls you gotta know if you had it in the right spot.

What's the guess? The afterlife. What happens when you die. That's what everyone guesses. Some people choose not to even put their chip down. Some say what happens will happen. And suppose I'm wrong about where I put my chip? Well, the same that happened to them who didn't place it, will also happen to me. So I didn't lose worse than him. But say I put my chip in the right square. Say I'm right. I wanna be right with the one worth being right on. That's why I invest as I do. My only problem is, I still kinda got my chip on the line. Its not all the way in that Catholic box. I'm looking at the other boxes with a little doubt in my heart. Would they be a bad bet? I absorb the knowledge I can about the rest. Wiccan doesn't look all that bad on the serfice. They've been around longer than the Christian religions. Why chose a new space? People long ago had to be either right or wrong. Without this space here, what's to say it'll suddenly become right now that time has changed? Well, this group is all the same, so if it lands on any of these over here, I'm still good because my chip is in the group with them. But they're all new spaces, shouldn't I go for the oldest space on the board? Shouldn't that be the right one since at one time that was the only option? Or was that the age of ignorance and they just didn't know to add the other spaces? See, its hard to say, but they all have hope. And until I find a greater hope, I'm keeping my chip closest to the hope I like best so far.
7 Seasons Turned lips Winter Comes

Sunday, May 6th, 2007

Time:4:54 pm.
Clueless Uke
Clueless Uke
Take Are you a Seme or an Uke? today!
Created with Rum and Monkey's Personality Test Generator.</p>
You really have no clue, do you? You're satisfied just to have someone to eat hamburgers and play video games with, and are completely oblivious to other's manipulative behavior. You don't expect much, and that's good, because you're perfect prey for the Opportunist Seme, who will take advantage of you, and you probably won't even notice. But you'll be happy anyway, because ignorance is bliss.

I disagree! Oh, come now. I have grown over the years and am no longer susceptible to the same old tricks. Honestly, this quiz didn't have the finesse to realize that.
2 Seasons Turned lips Winter Comes

LiveJournal for Miles F.

View:User Info.
View:Website (Oreogasm (group site)).
You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.